Defensiveness is Primary
Barrier to Effective Communication

Defensive behavior is the primary barrier to effective communication because when a person is being defensive they actually don't really listen to the other person.

And if listening isn't present, how can two people effectively communicate with each other?

Defensive behaviors include...

• Fight - yelling, arguing and aggressive behavior
• Flight - running away physically or emotionally
• Freeze - looks like a deer in the headlights
• Faint - person actually falls asleep or starts to

Defensive behaviors show up when a person doesn't feel physically or emotionally safe. Usually there is a perceived or real threat.

When acted on - defensive behaviors are a barrier to effective communication.

Most of us have our favorite defensive behavior - mine is flight. However, there are certain circumstances when fight shows up for me, but I usually don't freeze or faint.

What do you do? What do the people in your life do?

If your observer is present - if you don't know what I mean check out my mindfulness page - then you can be aware when defensive behaviors are activated and do something about it.

What to do when...

Listening skills are needed. Good mirroring is the best tool I know of to increase a sense of trust and safety - and decrease defensiveness.

You can also ask for clarification...

If the person is in "fight mode" I might say...

• "It sounds like you're angry... I didn't mean to upset up... Can you tell me what I did that was upsetting to you?"

If the person appears to be "fleeing", I might say...

• "I see that you want to leave right now. I care about you and I didn't mean to say or do something to hurt you... Would you be willing to stay and talk about it?"

If the person appears to be "freezing," I might say...

• "It looks to me like you just got really still... Did I say something that upset you? I didn't mean to."

If the person appears to be "fainting" - or falling asleep in the middle of an emotionally charged situation, I might say...

• "It looks like you're falling asleep. Did I say something that bothers you?"

If you do ask for clarification, be sure to mirror what you hear rather than go into your own defensive justification - otherwise you'll be creating another barrier to effective communication.

YOU are feeling defensive or using a defensive behavior...

If you feel like the other person would understand, you could share what you're noticing and ask him or her to mirror you.

However, if you don't feel safe to talk about it with that person, you may want to say something like..."Now isn't a good time for me to talk about this. I'd like to think about it and get back with you."

Then, hopefully, you can process your experience on your own and possibly do some deep healing.

Defensiveness isn't the only other barrier to effective communication. There are others like cultural differences, assumptions, and poor communication skills. For more information, click here.

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