Listening Skills

Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give to another person.

Good listening skills include...

• Really paying attention to the speaker's words, tone of voice, posture, and movement
• Mirroring what the other person says
• Asking for clarification

When listened to well, any one of us feels "gotten," heard, respected, and honored.

I think paying attention well to the person who is speaking can be one of the hardest things to do because when we REALLY do it... we're putting the other person first.

It is one of the ultimate acts of selflessness that I know of.

And I think this is hard for most of us... because most of us REALLY long to be listened to ourselves.

Good listening completely receives what the person says... it doesn't assume, judge or criticize... it's just curious and interested... and really "gets" the other person.

Would you like to know how to do this?

Here's what I do...

• When I'm listening to somebody I don't think about what I'm going to say.
• I notice the person's tone of voice, facial expressions, movement, gestures, and posture - I really see all of this and hear the total person.
• I bring my awareness to my breath - this brings me, even more, into the present moment.

  I stay aware of my breath while I'm listening. When I lose this awareness... I notice I've become caught up in what the speaker is saying rather than truly listening... and I bring my awareness back to the movement of my torso as I breathe.

  Try it - and see what happens.

Mirroring is one of the best listening skills we can use.

It is the practice of reflecting back what you heard. When done well - it is actually healing... and at the minimum facilitates good communication.

If you just mimic the person - or copy word for word what you heard - the speaker can feel ridiculed, annoyed, or foolish. so it can be kind of tricky.

If you're new to this practice... you can let the listener know you're trying it out and ask him or her to give you feedback about how you could do it better.

Good mirroring in some ways is an art and embedded within it is good listening.

When you REALLY listen to the other person, you experience their words, tone of voice, and body language, and you can "wonder between the lines" of what they're saying. This will enhance what you say as you mirror back what you heard.

Here is an example of mirroring...

Jane is the speaker and Tarzan is practicing his listening skills...

Jane: "I'm really sick of you swinging from tree to tree and never being home when I need you to take care of the baby. I can't believe how little you care about us and how much you want to be free."

Tarzan:"Jane, what I heard you say is that you're sick of me not being home when you need me to take of the baby... and you can't believe how little I care about you and the baby and how much I want to be free. Did I get it?"

Jane: "Yes! And I'm so angry at you I could scream!"

Tarzan: "And I heard you say that you're so angry, you could scream."

Jane: "Yes... but I like that you're really listening to me now, because I do feel cared about it. Thank you for listening... maybe you do care?"

So you can see in this example how effective mirroring can be as a communication and listening skill. It began to discharge Jane's anger and upset.

Unfortunately because of defensive reactions most conversations go something like this...

Jane: "I'm really sick of you swinging from tree to tree and never being home when I need you to take care of the baby. I can't believe how little you care about us and how much you want to be free."

Tarzan: "Jane, I can't believe you're complaining about me not being home. I'm home all the time. I took care of the baby last night while you were out with the girls. I'm sick of this... I'm out of here."

Jane: "Fine! Go! And don't come back anytime soon..."

Asking for clarification is another listening skill and can come in handy anytime, but especially when things get rough...

Usually when we use clarification we ask the other person to clear up some mis-communication. For example...

Tarzan could have said, "Jane, I'm not sure what you mean. I didn't realize that I'm not home when you need me to be. Can you give me an example of this or tell me why you're so upset about it now?"

Or if Jane realized that Tarzan was defensively reacting to what she said, she could clarify what she meant and say, "Tarzan, I didn't mean to accuse you of not being home enough. The baby has been sick all day and I've been upset and scared. I've needed you and I didn't know where you were."

So clarification can help diffuse a situation and bring increased communication to it.

Find a way to practice these listening skills and see what happens...

• Really pay attention to the speaker's words, tone of voice, posture, and movement
• Mirror what the other person says
• Ask for clarification